obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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