Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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