i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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