This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
