Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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