don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
