I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
