Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
