Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
