Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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