so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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