Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
