Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How's work?
Spinning.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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