So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
