I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
