saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
