you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
