you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
