im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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