She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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