god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
