Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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