We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
