I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
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