Can i not drive my cunt home
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
