I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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