i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
