I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
