I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
