saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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