and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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