No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Less talking, more tequila
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
