also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
