dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
