We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize