Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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