Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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