Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
