Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
