I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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