My girlfriend figured out who you are.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
