Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
my liver is dry heaving
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
