threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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