So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
