why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Sober January is a disaster.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
