Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We are two peas in an std pod
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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