Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
