Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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