sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
