Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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