Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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