You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
