Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
