New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
