Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
