FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize