You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
