Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
