I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
