My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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