saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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