EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
