Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
