Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My sheets look like a crime scene.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
