note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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