when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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