Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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