Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
