i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
