Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There's always time for handjobs
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
